We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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