Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
