when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
