I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
