My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
