So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
