I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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