I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
do herpes really smell.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
