Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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