My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
