The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
