im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
