I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Semen is not good for contacts.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
