Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
