he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
