Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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