its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
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This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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