I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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