I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
