My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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