Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Randomize
