I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
