if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
