yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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