it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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