I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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