I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
