Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
