My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
