i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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