My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
