I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
