We named our party play list daddy issues
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You are a genius and a whore.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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