overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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