I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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