i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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