I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
