before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
