I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
barbara walters just said penis...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
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