I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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