Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
