I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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