he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
