Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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