i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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