I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Your cock deserves a montage
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
