If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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