I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
