Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You're like the curious george of whores
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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