i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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