If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The air taste purple.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
