omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
