bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
