I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
