If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
