I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
