Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Im part way to drunk.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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