his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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