Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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