I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.