You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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